When “I’m Fine” Isn’t the Truth: R U OK? Day and the Masked Perfectionist

Today is R U OK? Day. Across schools and workplaces there will be morning teas, cupcakes, yellow ribbons, and people reminding each other to check in. It’s a beautiful reminder that connection matters. But for some people, especially masked neurodivergent people, this day can feel complicated.

Why? Because they are often the ones least likely to be asked if they’re okay. These are the high-achieving, perfectionist, smiling individuals who present a carefully managed version of themselves to the world. They rarely let imperfections show. They may even pride themselves on holding it all together. From the outside, they look “fine.”

But behind closed doors, it’s a different story. Home is often where the mask slips...where exhaustion, meltdowns, or shutdowns take over. And here’s the painful paradox: the very people who most need someone to notice often go unseen. They won’t ask for help, because asking would mean breaking the facade they’ve worked so hard to maintain.

I know this because I am one of those people.

This year, being postpartum has made me feel more removed than ever. When I am at work, I put on my usual bubbly persona, and if someone asks how I’m doing, I smile and say, “I’m good.” I never say I’m not okay. At home, though, the lack of sleep, the heaviness of early motherhood, and the relentless pressure often feel overwhelming. I’ve struggled with thoughts I never expected to have...the fear that my baby is “too hard,” the guilt of wondering why I can’t cope, the exhaustion of knowing I have no capacity left, the thoughts that maybe no one really cares. These are scary things to admit.

So, like many others who mask, I channel all of that into something productive...into my Unmasking Education posts, blogs, resources, and podcast appearances. I tell the world I’m okay by showing what I can create. But the truth is, I haven’t always been okay.

Sharing this feels like my first real step in unmasking. Not in a performative way. Not to gain sympathy. But because honesty is the only way we chip away at the illusion that the people who look fine are fine.

So while R U OK? Day is well-intentioned, it can sometimes feel tokenistic. A single day of asking doesn’t undo the culture of assuming that the smiling, capable ones are always okay.

If we really want to honour the spirit of this day, we need to:

• Look beyond the obvious signs.

• Check in with the people who seem fine.

• Remember that support has to happen every day, not just once a year.

For the masked perfectionist, “I’m fine” is often just another mask and today, this is me taking mine off...just a little.